Ask Neycha

2008-02-27

Dear Neycha: 
I have been married for almost eight years now.  We love each other very much, but I have a financial concern.  I know we took vows, but I’m not sure if any of the vows said that one party is supposed to put out most of the money.  
 
Here’s the situation.  My husband is in debt.  Before we got married, I had the best credit.  I love having great credit and not having to worry about bills being late or creditors calling my home.  It’s not a good feeling. Basically, I feel that we are supposed to pay 50/50.  So, on certain bills that I think he should be paying, I am now allowing them to be late, because I feel it is his obligation. They get paid, but paid late.  I feel if I go ahead and pay them, he will think, "oh they are paid”, so he will not have to worry about them.  That means he will not be paying his share.  Sometimes he is late in paying them because his checks are being garnished do to problems he had before me and have nothing to do with me.  Other times it is because he doesn't give me all that he can.   If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be responsible enough to know that I have to do all I can to take care of our shared household expenses before I do anything else.  He doesn't seem to feel this way.
 
He is trying to do better since we tend to argue at times about this, but sometimes when I remind him that I need more money to pay the bills, he gets an attitude.  I just don't understand how anyone can cop an attitude when it's his lifestyle being looked after.  Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but when it comes to responsibility, he just doesn't get it. 
 
As a married couple, am I supposed to go ahead and just take care of it alone or should it be a joint effort?  I feel that it should be a joint effort, but some things may not happen if I don't go ahead and take it on myself.  Am I supposed to just ignore the fact that he is not doing his part, when sometimes I know that he could do better?
 
He is not sacrificing, so should I extend extra help to our lifestyle or just continue to argue and pray that someday soon he will change and step up to the plate?
 
I need some advice. HELP!!!!!
Tired of Paying

Dear Tired of Paying:
No, you should not just “continue to argue and pray that someday soon he will change and step up to the plate”.  That is passive-aggressive behavior at its striking best.  Why have you set such a low standard for yourself?  I appreciate that your husband is a kind man and you two love one another.  But you have allowed many of the things you profess to care about to be compromised and to go unchecked. Your good credit, compromised. Your insistence on having a partner who will carry his own weight, compromised.  Ultimately, your sound judgment has left the building!  You may love one another deeply, but your husband’s inability to rise to the occasion over the last -8 YEARS- speaks volumes about commitment and trust - the very core of any marriage.

Although you have made an attempt to shift the financial dynamic in your home (and I applaud your effort) by not paying the bills you believe your husband should pay, it’s still not motivating him to handle his business (and it’s wreaking havoc on you – mentally and financially). Pay for what you can comfortably afford and is necessary.  STOP paying for what you can live without - and where possible, have those bills put in his name only.  These expenses may include cable or satellite TV, Internet, or car insurance on the car he drives. If he fails to pay, it will affect his credit rating rather than you both. 

While this may save or help to begin restoring your credit, it will not save you from feeling the impact of your husband’s irresponsible financial behavior.  And that’s a good thing.  Trust me, you need to feel the direct impact of his behavior smacking you right upside the head.  Coming home to no lights, attempting to cook with no gas, bumming rides with friends because your car has been repossessed or taken off the road for lapsed car insurance is not fly!  I’m nauseous just thinking about it. 

Listen Lovey, you are desperately in need of that “V8 moment” that will hopefully remind you that there really are some things in life we can live without.  Whether that’s water for your shower to exfoliate or a lax, nice husband is something you will have to decide.  If you go with Lax/nice, (and I ain’t mad at ya if you do) I highly recommend the two of you sit down with a financial planner ASAP and also consider marriage counseling.  Life might take Visa, but living takes good common sense.

Cubicle in a Minefield