Ask Neycha:
searching for passion? look no further
2008-04-17

Dear Neycha:

Love your column! Keep up the good work. 

I am 33 years old, married for 10. Have 2 wonderful kids (7 & 2). My relationship with my husband has been rocky but it’s stabilizing at the moment. I believe I am a beautiful woman. I get praise from my employer, my family, my kids, my friends. However I don’t think I am worth much. I have no goals in life, nothing that motivates me. I am a good mother, friend and employee, just not any good as a woman.

I like watching TV, listening to music, reading – basic, meaningless stuff.  I also like helping people, but I sometimes wonder if I help because I genuinely want to, or because I’m seeking their approval.

I feel like I need to try things to see if I can find something that sparks an interest, but I can’t seem to get motivated. I do like dancing, and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to go to a club, but my husband doesn’t like dancing, I don’t have friends who would go with me and I’m afraid to go by myself.

I feel like I just live day by day – working, raising my kids, maintaining a household. Same ol, same ol, every single week.

I feel I have no passion for life. All I care about is that my kids grow to be good productive adults. But for myself I can’t see a future. I can’t imagine where I’ll be 5 years from now, maybe exactly where I am now.  Any suggestions?

Greatly appreciated.
Searching for Passion in NY

Dear Searching:
It breaks my heart to read that you don’t believe you are “worth much”.  I can see how committed you are to this thought pattern as you go on to write that you’re “not any good as a woman”.  As long as these types of thoughts form the foundation of your self-concept, very little else is possible – especially identifying your passion.  Right now, your emotional bank account is overdrawn by excessive debits like low self-esteem, joylessness, and self-condemnation. You must balance your account by giving yourself some credit SFP!

Start with self-compassion. Don’t beat up on yourself for not knowing what moves you (a bunch of folks lack awareness of their true life’s passion).  Instead, know that each day brings with it an opportunity to choose differently and to recreate your life from the inside out – and trust that you WILL get there.  In order to do that, it is important to take on the task of building your self-esteem right now.  You can begin this process by reading self-help books like Wayne Dyer’s Your Erroneous Zones, or finding a support group in you area.  You may also want to consider professional counseling and/or a life coach. 

Next, begin to rebalance your life. If you are not already drained dry, you are certainly flirting with being close to empty.  Take a moment to consider each of the following areas of your life:  physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.  Where you find an area lacking, seek balance by adding to it.  You desperately need to begin this process of giving back to yourself so that you can eliminate the tremendous emotional deficit in your life.

In order to find more motivation, fill up your emotional bank account by doing more of the things you do enjoy.  When you do this, you invite more energy and passion into your life.  Stop making the mistake of invalidating the things you like by calling them “meaningless”.  Your judgments only seek to reinforce your poor self-concept.  Enough already!  Get out of the house and make new friends. Join a book club. Check out some live music. Go to the gym.  Physical motion is always a great antidote to inertia.  You mention that you enjoy dancing, but would be afraid to go out by yourself.  Stretch yourself SFP!  Come on now.  Find something that you wouldn't normally do by yourself (i.e. going out to dinner or the movies solo) that you also find far less frightening than going out dancing alone, and do the freakin’ thing.  Every baby step you take will move you one step closer to eliminating your fears and ultimately help you to create an expanded vision of yourself.

Finally, if you genuinely care about your kids growing up to be “good productive adults”, then you must take responsibility for this desire by providing them with a good example. Your current behavior is batting at zero.  Until you take back ownership of your life from the monotony of your daily routine, you are not showing your children what it looks like to REALLY be alive.  Give more to your life.  I promise you will get more back. You must be the change you wish to experience. Passion is the outgrowth of requiring ourselves to be absolutely everything we are capable of and then having the balls to make it happen.   Go get yours SFP!

 

Pickled in Virginia

The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.