Ask Neycha: Rejected
because advice is one thing you can never get enough of
2008-05-15
Dear Neycha:
I have recently gone through a very difficult breakup or heartbreak. I say heartbreak because we were not technically boyfriend and girlfriend. I’d been dating this guy for almost two years. He always said he was “turned off” by titles. Although we never called ourselves officially a couple, we did everything together. I assumed or kept hoping that eventually he would be ready to settle down with me – especially since we spent a lot of time together and knew each other’s friends and family. I’ll be turning 30 this September and felt it was time to have a serious conversation and really press my guy about what we’re doing. His reaction to the conversation shocked me! He told me that he had no problem settling down, but that he just didn’t want to do it with me. He told me all the things he had a problem with about me that for the most part kept me from being on his short list for potential marriage partners. Needless to say I am devastated by his reaction. I am humiliated that I waited so long, and the straight up rejection is tearing me apart. How do I stop hurting so much?
-Rejected, Largo, MD
Dear Rejected:
Ouch! I know it was not easy to sit and listen to someone recite a laundry list of why you’re not the right one for them. Of course you are devastated, humiliated and feeling rejected. But take heart my dear friend; this too will pass!
The bad news is you are not likely to stop hurting any time soon. You are facing a major loss and grief is a natural response to loss. Your pain is an indication that you are alive and in the process of healing. To resist the pain only prolongs the process. Help yourself along by being sure to get plenty of rest right now. It will help contain all of the pain and provide your body with the extra energy required for healing. Also, remember to be especially kind to yourself.
You can start by letting yourself off the hook for having “waited so long” for him to come around. That was a bad look, but allowing the feeling of humiliation to accompany you every day is NOT helping you. In fact, humiliation is often a feeling associated with being ashamed – which is an energy you feel when you do something that doesn’t serve you or others well. Rejected, if you have the emotional guts to just FEEL the shame associated with waiting around for this guy for two years when you very likely saw the red flags early on, then you will feel remorseful. It is genuine remorse that helps us to NOT repeat the same mistakes.
In your case, Rejected, don’t pay the high cost of denial and blind hope again! In the future, please DON’T ASSUME. DON’T IGNORE THE SIGNS. For now, FEEL THE HURT and ACCEPT THE REJECTION. You can bet your life on the fact that you will NOT be a superstar to everyone you come into contact with (sad as it is). People have every right to want what they want, as do you! Rest your ego on the shelf for a bit, and get un-lost in HIS world and how YOU weren’t right for HIM. Had you been paying attention you would have likely recognized that Mister’s shit stunk too and he was never gonna be the man for you.
Lovey, learn how to connect intimately and consistently with your inner voice! Pay attention to it so that you can resolve to be different next time. Discover where you need to grow. Know what you have to offer and what YOU desire for YOUR IDEAL PARTNER to bring to the table (hopefully it’s at least availability!) For now, I understand you’re hurting. So get your self-pity party on! Hook it up with your favorite ‘he done me wrong’ playlist. And when you get exhausted and fed up with feeling exhausted and fed up, move the hell on! There’s absolutely someone else around the corner down for the love ride. Pony up missy!
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About Necha
Too Through
Rejected
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.