Ask Neycha
longing for life is single, wants children. are there options?
2008-05-01

Dear Neycha:
Neycha, thank you for your insight and fresh perspectives.  I love your EbonyJet column!  Here’s my dilemma.  I am a 41 year old, African American single woman living in Phoenix, Arizona.  I am successful and mostly fulfilled in my career.  In fact, as is the case with so many women, my professional life has long been on track.  I've been able to set goals and execute the necessary steps to reach them.  And while I've placed a great deal of emphasis on this area of my life, I feel incomplete.  Not that I’m dying for a husband, but I would like the opportunity to have children.  I’m not opposed to finding and being in a beautiful relationship with a man, but I can’t stand having the goal of motherhood hinging on whether or not I find Mr. Right.  As you can imagine, I feel powerless in this situation, unless I decide to just go it alone and hit up a sperm bank or ask a good male friend to hook me up – neither of which I’m crazy about.  What do I do?
-Longing for life, Phoenix

Dear Longing:
I’m so glad you dig my column. Thanks! 

Unfortunately for my sista girls, I hear your particular narrative over and over.  I’m not sure what’s more sad - that we find ourselves socialized in a way that asks women to choose between work and motherhood, or that too often, having grown hopeless about having fulfilling relationships, we choose careers by default. Either way, it’s a depressing commentary and very disillusioning for many women.  Equally concerning is the silent pressure cast forth from every angle for women to partner and have children in order to be whole.  The unspoken message is that if a woman fails to marry or have children by a certain age, or at all, that she has somehow failed her human potential on the planet.  Dead wrong!

If your desire to have children IS genuine - not inflated by the ridiculous societal norms mentioned above, or what your girlfriends have got going on – then I encourage you to shift your thinking.  First I recommend that you reframe your idea about having children.  Unlike your career ambitions where you’ve successfully hit the mark, motherhood is NOT a goal.  Rather it is a gift that we give to a precious life and to the world at large.  That we provide ourselves the opportunity to offer up ourselves to be a vessel for another life and to nurture their enthusiasm and purpose is the gift we give to ourselves. That gift is NOT compromised in any way should it occur without the contribution of a “Mr. Right.”

And lovey, you ARE powerless in controlling whether ‘Mr. Right’ will show up tomorrow and share your desire for children. Just give in to that feeling so that you can move on and not be paralyzed by your resistance to it – because any way you toss it, it’s just real.  LFL, you can’t control everything. If you accept, as they say, that you are up against the biological clock, then managing what you can control (i.e. a sperm bank, assistance from a great male friend) is perhaps a wise decision.  That choice should, of course, be balanced against how strong your desire is to give birth to a child, as there are certainly other ways to be a momma, like adoption for instance.

Finally, I would simply encourage you to be open.  Genuinely open to the mystery of life.  The “odds” are not always the final word on a subject.  Whatever “they say” are the odds of finding Mr. Right at 41, or having children at 43, is still a matter of “they say.”  And “they” are not the creators or authors of YOUR life - rather your ability to believe in miracles and walk in faith are.   Your capacity to have swagger in the grueling darkness of uncertainty does more to determine the course of your life than the shallow words of “they say” or behaving hastily from fear.   None of us knows what lies ahead, but LFL, you MUST assume with ALL of your being that ANY thing is possible!  Then open yourself to receive it.  ALWAYS, always be down for the miracle.  Life is too short to kick it any other way.

 

 

Down and out in Chi-town

The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.