Ask Neycha: Doing the best I can
2008-04-03
Dear Neycha:
I don’t consider my problem to be one that is very unique; nevertheless it’s very real for me. I have been in a serious relationship for several years now with a woman I care a great deal about. The problem is she’s been pressing me to cut off my relationship with my children’s mother. I simply cannot do this because I have to be in communication with her as we are trying to raise our children in an environment that is as close as possible to a traditional family environment.
Given this, we typically go on summer excursions together or spend major holidays as a family. My girlfriend is never invited to these gatherings because my children’s mother can’t stand her. (There was, regrettably on my part, some overlap). Although I try to be sensitive to my girlfriend’s feelings about this situation, and her desire to take our relationship to the next level, I am not willing to risk being an active participant in my children’s life. And given my ex’s feelings about my current girlfriend, I know she would pull rank if it suited her and remove my children from me.
I can’t stand walking this tight rope, but I truly believe if I fail to be accommodating to my children’s mother, all hell would break loose. Do I risk my relationship with my long time girlfriend, or my children?
-Doing the best I can, Philly, PA
Dear Best:
If you were seeking an environment “as close as possible to a traditional family environment”, then why didn’t you and your children’s mother get married? You’re playing house. And if you deem it so important to do so, why not kick it up a notch, stop faking the funk. Otherwise, although well intentioned (presumably for your children), you must consider how this makeshift solution - that deliberately ignores your girlfriend - is playing out and impacting everyone involved.
It is controlling your life, and devaluing your relationship with your girlfriend. Although I don’t know the ages of your children, it is perhaps fanning their desire (as with any child) to see their parents together full-time as is the case on these “summer excursions” and “major holidays”. Finally, this arrangement is pacifying your children’s mom and whatever issues she’s failed to get over from the past. It is assigning her the power and unfortunately that puts her insecurities in charge as well. Hell to the no!
You’ve got to man up and be willing to call your baby’s momma’s bluff. Too often afraid, fathers allow women to despicably use their children to control them. They are your children too! Draw the line, and if the momma wants to get too funky with baby drama, take her to court. Protect your rights and access to your children. No more gaming to be done. End of story.
If you’re lucky, maybe your girl will still be there waiting when you’ve established some new boundaries that honor not only your past, but your present and future as well. If she steps (and I wouldn’t blame her one bit), then make sure you have your house in order before inviting another sista up in the place. Handle your business lovey and stop acting like your mind is bad! Keep being a fab father, and for heaven’s sake please figure out whose man you’re trying to be.
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About Necha
Blindsided
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Blue-collar by Choice
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Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.